Don't Try This At Home

I've Had My Head Examined

The migraines, they kill me. So my new doctor scheduled me to have a brain MRI today. You would think that would innocent enough, right? If you weren't me it probably would be. However, you are not me.

I'm not skittish about MRIs. I have had plenty for my back problems. When I learned I needed one for my head I thought it would be no big deal. Then I started thinking of all those MRI brain scans my friend sends me from the Eide Neurolearning Blog. They show how different parts of your brain light up depending on what you're thinking about or doing or thinking about doing.

Then I thought about how I read an article about a "scientist" who took brain scans of a man and woman while in coitus (1-see why I put scientist in quotes? 2-I figure "coitus" is too big a word for most pervs to search).

Then I think, "Oh no! I'm thinking about sex! I should stop so it doesn't show up on the scan! Think puppies! Puppies, dammit!"

Then I realize I'm thinking of sex and puppies and that just can't be good.

"Uh, yes Mrs. Chilihead. We see that you don't have a brain tumor; you're just a pervert."

You know, I've just never been the same since I got this for my birthday.

Don't Hate Me Because My Toes are Perfect

Look at these babies. I know what you're thinking:

"They are perfect, Chili. You are so lucky that your feet are exactly as wide as they are long. Those toes! That has to be the eighth wonder of the world that they are all exactly the same length! You are a beautiful footed lady, Chili."

Yet it's ridiculously hard to find shoes to fit these fantastic feet. In most cases if you just sell me the box the shoes came in I consider the day a success.

For two years my dad, his wife, and my brother have been telling me to buy Chaco sandals. They expounded on the virtues of the adjustable strap and the perfect arch support. They told of easy care and washability. The first year I rebuffed their advances. The second year I warmed a little and spent the rest of the year considering the Chacos. I decided I would most definitely buy them on my first day of vacation in Colorado this year.

I'm sure you cannot imagine my utter disappointment when I tried on the shoes and found that an 8 looked like a summer clown shoe (because my toes are so short they made the shoes look ridiculously long) and a 7 was not wide enough for my elephant feet. What? How could this be? I had debated and thought and fought with myself about whether to actually spend the money on new shoes when I had a perfectly good pair of $5 flip-flops. Now that I had allowed myself this one indulgence the shoes DID NOT FIT? Oh, the humanity.

Husband felt terrible for me and promptly took me to a shop that was selling Halloween decor and bought me copius amounts of the stuff to take away the sting. Good man, no?

At the end of the trip, my dad took me to the only shoe store he and his wife will go to: Phelps in Longmont, CO. These people know what they are doing; the gentleman who owns the store is some sort of foot fet!sher expert. The lady who helped us told us the problem was that I did not try on a 7 Wide. She brought me a pair of 7W Chacos and voila! Perfect shoes for perfect feet. They are heaven.

Because She Won't Tell You Herself

Have ya'll ever heard of BlogHer?

"Um, yeah, Chili. It's only the biggest thing EVER."

Exactly my point. My very good friend Shannon would never in a million years toot her own horn (she's much too much of a Good Southern Girl for that), but one of the editors over there just called her out! Yes! Mir did a piece on the blog star Shannon has become and discusses the Works For Me Wednesday phenomenon.

At the rate Shannon's going, I wouldn't be surprised if they invite her to moderate or speak at next year's convention! I'd sign up for that. Wouldn't you? Go tell her she rocks. (Er, no pun intended...)

Get. OUT!

I do not even believe it. I am up for MOTW over at Crazy Hip Blog Mamas. Who the? What the? I have no idea, but go vote! Go vote! And, if you think of it, vote for me!

I hate to admit this, but I'm not even sure how this works. Do they just do a random sort and list whoever the database chooses? Hang up all the names and throw a dart? I say this because I can't imagine that anyone would nominate little old me. If they did, it had to have been before the last  posts. Had I known I would have been on my better behavior! Or at least not blogged about it.

I'm No Lady

I spent the last evening of our CO vacations sitting on my dad's back porch, drinking beer, and chatting. It was so relaxing and fun! At one point both of my children asked if they could taste my drink (it was Fat Tire, not some watery Coors Light). Well, my dad let me taste his beer when I was a kid and I remember being repulsed. I figured, hey, they'll hate it and maybe that will take away some of the mystique. So I gave them each a tiny little sip and they made the most hilarious faces you've ever seen. Then they both had to go spit in the grass to get the taste out. When they came back Wild Thing had this to say:

I cannot believe a lady would drink that.

I'm no lady, I break the law, and I have a tattoo. I have achieved the makin' of a country song. Or white trash. Or is that the same thing?

Oh Yes I Did

Today I was child-free thanks to Grandma Jann. She missed Max and Wild Thing and couldn't wait to have them spend some quality time with her. I packed them up and took them over last night and they'll be home after dinner tonight. So, you ask, what did you do with your free day?

Well...technically, I broke the law. I stole. And now I am being flip about it.

At noon today I went to the theater and paid to see The Devil Wears Prada. At 2:05 I was on my way out to my car when I saw that X-Men 3 started at 1:50. The X-Men theater was right next to the exit. I almost went directly to my car...and then I didn't. I looked at my watch, calculated what time the movie would end and when the kids would be home. I totally went in and saw X-Men 3. I did it after thinking about it and I had guilt for about 30 minutes. Then I got too wrapped up in the violence to care.

I know you are appalled. Get over it. I'm 35 and I've never done it before in my life. Frankly, the opportunity was too good to pass up. If you stop reading me, I'll understand. If you want to go to the movies sometime, give me a call.

WFMW: Oatmeal

I was lamenting the fact that my Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market no longer appears to stock dinosaur oatmeal. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about: the oatmeal with the sugar "eggs" that disolve into candy dinos when you run hot water over the oatmeal. Wild Thing loves her some dino oatmeal in the mornin'. So you see my dilemma.

Anyway, I was lamenting the loss and a friend suggested I make my own. Wha'?

"Sure!" she said. "Just give Wild Thing some Smarties or chocolate chips or some other little thing to sprinkle into the oatmeal."

Now before you go saying, "But! BUT! That's just sugary crap added to the oatmeal!" Uh, hello? McFly! What did you think those dinosaurs were? If I'm down with the dinos, I'm down with the candy. So yeah. I'm totally going to do this. Wild Thing will have the oatmeal which is good for her and it will be counterbalanced by allowing her to dump her own "treat" into it. Yes. This works for me.

To view more hints and tips, visit Rocks In My Dryer the original Works for Me Wednesday tipster!

Ode To My Nephews

I've talked about my brother and his beautiful family before. I love them so much! My nephew is about the cutest thing ever. He's also adventuresome and fearless. If he wants something, (say, out of his crib for instance) he is going to have it. No matter the consequence.

Here he is (with permission from my brother and SIL) with his new accessory. I promise he's doing fine and doesn't even realize there's a cast on his arm. But that picture? With that shirt? (If you can't read it, it says I do all my own stunts.) How funny is that?!? That, my friends, is why I love my brother. Humor, baby. Life is nothing without it. They bought him another shirt that says It seemed like a good idea at the time. Doesn't it always?

 

Here is the munchkin with the blanket I finally got around to sending him. Couldn't you just eat him up? I miss this kid! I am jonesing for some nephew!

Finally, as if those pictures aren't amazing enough, here is the most incredible movie ever. I present to you my second nephew en utero. Is it not completely amazing what ultrasound can do these days? It gives me goose bumps!

Don't Open That Door....

BooMama is hosting a virtual open house on July 28. Won't that be interesting? I know everyone out there has already seen my playroom and Wild Thing's new wall (warning: viewing those pictures could make you go blind), but aren't you just dying to see the dust bunnies under my bed? Or the lint in my laundry room? Or the dirty dishes on my counter?

Before I left on vacation I cleaned my house from tippy-top to booty-bottom. If I hurry I may be able to take pictures today before all my hard work is annihilated, then I can present those as my true-to-life open house photos. Otherwise ya'll are in for quite a messy treat. Oh wait. Did I mention I can't find my camera? I hesitate to say it's lost, but at this point who am I kidding?

Home, Sweet Home

We are now home. We spent all of Sunday doing NOTHING. Apparently we are in a heat advisory and you could die if you step foot outside. Fine by me. You think I can't stay inside all day and look at my computer? I scoff in your general di-rection.

The kids ate Krispy Kreme for breakfast and lunch while they watched back-to-back-to-back movies (not so different from vacation). Husband figured out how to work the picture-in-picture with the video games so he could play Tiger Woods Golf on PS2 while watching an actual golf tournament in the PIP. I caught up on all my blog reading...and I'm still not done. I also researched a trip to Disney World that I may take with my mother this fall (without the kids! What am I thinking?).

In between blogs and Disney-ana I taught Wild Thing how to do Sudoku. Here is where my true colors shine through. I did not teach WT Sudoku because I thought she would enjoy it (she did) or because it's something that will challenge her mind (it does). No. I taught her Sudoku because I found out my cousin's youngest (who's about Wild Thing's age) loves it and does it all the time. Yes, that's right. I taught Wild Thing Sudoku because I was not about to be outdone. I'm so ashamed. And then I look at Wild Thing working on her Sudoku and I think, "In your face, Ann!"

Ah, yes. It's good to be home.